Diary of a Fat Girl

I think I get it now! Duh!

2009-03-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ok so tracker filled with green triangles good. Tracker with little to no green triangles bad. Basically if it isn't made of salad don't eat it!

I will never give up on myself. I know if I eat the veggies, fruit and protien and limit the sugars and carbs I will be healthy. If I binge on sugar and processed food I'm doomed. It fails me every time and I don't know why I do it. I just do. I think about it a lot this time. Why do we fall off the wagon? Is it like those kids who cut themselves over and over again? Why? They are not killing themselves (immediately anyway) but just hurting themselves over and over and they derive pleasure from this? Is that what eating is for me an emotional cut?

The good thing is now that I'm a serial tracker I catch it really fast. Cause it if it is 3:00PM and you've run out of daily points THAT ISN'T GOOD! To continue on this thought if it is Tuesday and you've used up your weekly points and it's 3:00pm and you've run out of daily points! Well to put it nicely YOU FUCKED UP!

But I am not alone. I'm learning from every mistake I make and I'm motivated to beat this. To be the best, healthiest biatch in town! I have rockin hair, a great rack and look out world cause I'm losing weight every day and slowly getting to be the healthiest me ever!

Mid-Week - bla bla bla.

2009-03-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday, middle of the week and I'm a little bored. Don't get me wrong there is plenty to keep my mind occupied. Work is busy, but I'm bored with it. Social life, bored with it. I'm just missing that something something. That purpose. Maybe it's time to read "A New Earth" again.

I've been applying for new jobs, hopefully something will click soon. I need a change of scenery, a better salary, and a purpose. I'm not getting that here that is clear.

I'm also trying to plan a vacay for the summer a wonderful exotic getaway, something to really look forward too!

Hmmmm maybe I'll read "A New Earth" get inspired, find a new job, make more money, save up for the big trip and have an awesome summer vacay in my fabulous new body!

I'm just thinking....

Our first fight...

2009-03-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

Well ok it wasn't a fight more like a disagreement. 2lbs up. The week was bad I knew this it isn't anyone's fault really. I was stressed and I tried I really did, I was on top of it and what I was feeling it just got the best of me. I didn't want to but I saw it happening really, felt it all week long. By Saturday, I just couldn't beat myself up over it anymore, I decided I'll get on the scale and deal with it and then move on.

Today I decided to start the week fab again. Fab hair, fab clothes and fab feeling. Trying not to let the work get me down again. The stress here really isn't worth it. 2 and a half hours down so far and so far so good.

I had an awesome day yesterday despite my 2lb set back. I got up wrote in my tracker, stayed on track for a whole day! Woo hoo! Then I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a closet organization system (there was a sale and a 20% off coupon so I went for it) and went through my closet putting everything in it's place. It's half done and already I feel like I'm walking into a store. I keep walking into my closet and moving hangers around in awe. I have a lot of cool clothes! Who knew? I've wanted to do this for months and months and finally got to it. Spring cleaning is actually kind of fun.

So I still have some organizing, some clothes for donating but it's a fabulous closet make over. It makes me feel like everything is new again, when it is all hanging there on the same hangers and looking like it is on display! That and the winter clothes are getting packed up slowly. That is the part I have to finish, but I don't want to jump the gun, my instinct tells me we are still going to have a final cold blast before spring officially hits us. But it is nice to see the summer clothes hanging in the front of the closet again! I can't wait!

Don't worry be happy! OR ELSE!

2009-03-13T05:34:00.000-07:00

Fuuuuuuuuck. Stress sucks. Feeling off and not in the zone sucks. I have been having a week from hell. I hate my job and I'm letting it get to me. So this is what I'm learning this week.

The euphoric honeymoon stage rocks. Feeling good, walking around with a skip in your step. It makes the WW relationship work better. When shit happens and it brings you down BAD THINGS HAPPEN. You lose your control, your strength and you cave. Then you get down on yourself for caving and then it just goes down hill from there. The week is not over and I'm determined not to let it go down the drain because of a couple of bad days. However I had to check myself today. I was starting to spiral. I wouldn't dare sneak a scale peek this week I'll be lucky if I get through it with a zero pass this week and not a + crap moment.

So the trick is be happy? How? And without really bad drugs with very low point values! How am I supposed to take myself away from this crap place, and the crap shit that comes with it and keep smiling and skipping and be all honeymoon?

I'm glad I stopped myself from totally flaking out again. The trick for me was. I want that happy high feeling, being in control gives me that feeling. The scale going to new lows gives me that feeling. Seeing friends and having them comment about how great I look, and you're glowing and there is a fabulous energy about you gives me that feeling.

So putting aside the assholes I work with, the fact that I hate my job I'm going to focus on that feeling, the good one, the high one. I'm doing everything I can re: the job. I've applied everywhere I can think of. I've gone on interviews. I'm working from home and building a home business. I'm doing everything I can to move away from this hell hole, so it is only a matter of time before that is going to happen. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on the fabulousness that is me. Cause feeling fab is a great great feeling!

Good week ... gone bad.

2009-03-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

Oh the honeymoon is still on, am not pissed at WW we are still in love.

Had a great start to the week another 2 pound drop. It's all going great, still tracking, still collecting activity points, me and WW are cool.

Me and work. Not so cool. Am having one of those weeks where I want to be anywhere but here. Everyone in this office is pissing me off. They've fired a lot of people so there are a lot less of us doing a lot more work. The clincher is we don't get bonuses cause we are not big guns so we are doing a lot more for a lot less. The big guns are all off skiing or boating or whatever the fuck overpaid hacks do when they go on 2 week March Break vacations. I'm here working my tushy off, and I'm really pissed about it. So why they are all celebrating their bonuses which they got last week, I'm supposed to sit here and take all the shit and "Be Happy You Have a JOB!"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Am really frustrated and just want to get the crap out of here. Am thinking I need to take a long walk at lunch hour and hope that money falls out of the sky to rescue me so I can go to some healthy spa and do pilates and yoga all day while eating healthy cuisine from some well known amazing chef.

Am I reaching?

I know it's wrong...but I peeked! Is it wrong...?

2009-03-06T05:31:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm having one of those on cloud nine weeks and I'm feeling pretty amazing. I'm tracking, eating my veggies, drinking my water. I had an awesome phone interview that will hopefully lead me to a stable company with which I can ride out this economic nightmare. It is just one of those feel good weeks.

So today I stepped on my home scale. It is a debate that I've heard over and over again. Should you weigh once a week or more often? Personally I like to weigh in every day. I feel like it keeps me in check. I know it fluctuates from 2-5lbs and there is no need to panic, but it also puts me in a place where I know I have to hit that scale and I want to continue to feel this high I want that number to go down. So if you are accountable will you screw up less? Will you track like a motherchucker? Will you be a better weight watcher than if you weigh in once a week? This week I avoided the twice a day weigh ins. I steered away from the scale, but I don't know today it just felt like I need to know.

For me it seems to work for the good. So once in a while I peek. Today I peeked. It was sooooooo good. So now I'm thinking will this make me cocky about the last 2 days of my week? Will this now work backwards for me? I'm hoping not because if the number on Sunday morning is anywhere around the number I saw today I'm going to be really freaking happy next week. Just saying... in case the happy, skippy blogs are making you sick.

But that is what Honeymoons are about! Happy, new, fun, exciting, sexy, alive... and today is going to be like 16 degrees Celsius. CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL THE SPRING, THE FUN, THE AMAZING LIFE!

I can...

Happy Monday! It's almost Spring, love is in the air again!

2009-03-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

Don't you love the start of a good week. It doesn't matter that it is minus whatever, and your nipples have frozen over on your way to work. You wake up Sunday morning you get on the scale you lose 1.7 lbs and it just starts everything off right. This week I'm determined to ride the wave. To continue walking with a skip in my step and flip in my long red hair. (Which I straightened yesterday, and with the great outfit and awesome make up...but I digress.) Needless to say there is something great about losing weight, having a great hair day and just feeling alive that we need to bottle up for those bad days, or bad weeks. I wish we could hit a button and just remember this feeling or go to this happy place, cause, frankly it is freaking awesome!

I guess this is the honeymoon phase. Again. I've had many WW marriages and divorces. We are like the couple that just keeps breaking up and getting back together. It's starts off great. WW is perfect for me. We compliment eachother's lives. It fits, perfectly everything seems to be running in unison. WW gives me points values and I count them. I lose weight and we celebrate together, skipping along like two happy lovers. But like all relationships for some reason things break down. Sometimes you do everything in your power and the scale just doesn't budge. You look at WW, they are sympathetic. But you are not having it. Or those times when the points values are just too high and you're like but it's a wedding, a birthday, a life changing moment! Give it a rest. Things get rocky. WW continues on unphased and you are moving away in another direction. You grow apart. You break up.

Then in a moment of despair. You look back and you think about how great things were. Maybe you remember this day, the start of one of your good weeks. Your honeymoon days. You remember what a great person you were in that relationship. How you loved yourself and who you were becoming. You go back to WW with your head down a bit embarrassed. WW always takes you back, never judges, never scolds. They just look at you and smile, and say "Hey it's great to have you back, we missed you!"

Then just like that you are back together. Love is in the air again. Just in time for spring and cute little spring dresses and sandles. I can't wait!

It's been a while...well if Oprah can then I can!

2009-02-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've written, but it hasn't been bad news. The good news is I haven't gained weight back and screwed up and gained 20lbs more than when I started. Actually this is GREAT NEWS! Cause that is what I've done countless times over and over again. But this time is different. I started this journey some time ago and I had a lot to lose over 120lbs. Now I have 92 lbs to lose. I haven't been writing this blog but that doesn't mean I have been eating myself to some 300lb oblivion. I could very easily be that girl, but I'm choosing not to be. Because frankly I'm starting to like this new girl more.

I'm not surprised Oprah has fallen off the wagon again. Her weight loss programs are torture, but that is another blog and another discussion. I am incredibly proud of her for facing it and moving forward. I'm also inspired to write again about my journey and to learn about all of you.

So I did fall off the WW wagon. But only for a short while. It has been a crazy time, moving, recession, figuring out what can I afford and what I can't. I decided I'm not going to abandon my needs and I'm going to make the best of it. So I chose what's more important the program and tracking or going to meetings. I do work better when I'm accountable so I decided that it doesn't have to be perfect. I'll be an online member for half the cost and I'll track every day and I'll read the encouraging articles and posts and I'll move on with this.

I'm just about to finish my first full week on WW online. I'm excited to be back. Back online and back in control. It is a great feeling after all. From good feeling places come good things. Oh I should probably tell you, I'm kind of spiritual and awakened now. I'm sorry I watch a lot of Oprah.

But I've had an amazing year. I stopped fretting, counting every pound, every dollar, I started to dream about things I wanted, to sell my small cramped space and buy a more spacious house. To continue my healthy lifestyle, to fall in love. Amazing things happened when I started to breathe (YUP just breathe) in and out for like 6 minutes in the morning. I also started to write down goals, and things I wanted out of my life. I haven't achieved it all yet, if I had man would this be a boring blog. But I did buy a great home. I travelled. I smiled in photographs. I laughed. I boosted my at home business. So no love, but he's coming. No million dollar dreams, but they are coming too.

This week, I was inspired to get myself back in a zone, a zone of control, tracking what I'm eating, trying to eat more fruit and veggies and exercising more. It may not happen over night but I'm hoping this year I will be closer to my goal. I hope you all will be too!

Finally - Redemption

2007-12-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

Well after last weeks bullshit weight gain. YES IT WAS BULLSHIT AND I'M STILL BITTER!

I redeemed myself this week with a 3.8lb drop and finally breaking the 10lb goal club! My first 10lbs. Why does it have to feel like soooo much work to drop 10lbs. I mean crap. It doesn't feel like I have even made a dent in my weightloss efforts. I want to be healthy and I want to be in the middle of my BMI. That is my end goal and I am well aware I am far from it. But I don't want to dwell on that.

I want to rejoice in getting through the toughest part of the year. The part of the year with all the celebrations, parties, holiday mixers and losing 10lbs. I want to remind myself of how hard this was, and how many good decisions I made. I want to be a different person and I'm moving towards that goal, by dropping not just 10lbs but dropping the attitude and habits that made me who I am today. So sure I have over 100lbs more to lose and yes that is a lot. But the person I am becoming is going to be well worth it. I won't have the guilt, the shame, the sadness. I won't feel like I'm not deserving or ready or that it isn't possible.

I want to believe. I want to believe in myself that I can do this and I can be a different person. A person that cares about herself. A successful, sexy, smart, sophisticated and attractive human being that people will notice.

So now that I am passed my 10lb goal the next goal is 20! 10lbs more. Small steps make it seem so much easier. Cause each loss whether it is .2 or 2 is a loss that get's me closer to my final goal. 100 .2 losses is 20lbs.

I am weight watcher with a vengence. This week's challenges. Holiday Party, Holiday Lunch. Next week another lunch and you know what each week is another mixer or lunch or whatever and I'm sick and tired of calling them challenges. Because it is life. Life that I have to start looking at in a different way. I have to stop thinking about when a binge is a good binge and a bad binge. That is bullshit. I have to start thinking healthy -- ALL THE TIME! Period. That means if I'm having a drink so be it - but I'm not having 10. If I'm having a piece of cake so be it - but I'm not having a quarter of a cake slice, and then topping it off with a second slice.

I am in control. AND I LOVE IT!

So Scale you better not piss my off again for I will destroy you. YOU HEAR ME!

FUCKING BULLSHIT SCALE!

Don't get mad - there might be another reason.

2007-12-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

Ok. So this week me and scale had a disagreement. I'm points of a pound a way from my 10lb goal and it has been pretty stressful. Last week I had what you would call the perfect week. Topped off by the fact that I had not one glass of alcohol to drink at the company event and didn't even pig out on hors doevres either. I drank water and had a few cubes of cheese.

So when you are sober and the rest of your friends are wasted there is a feeling of I wish I could be right there with them, but I didn't have that feeling. I had a power feeling because I was sooo close to my first big milestone goal, that I made the decision not to partake in the extra points. Besides the big company party is coming up in just a few weeks and well that is the time to celebrate if I want to. How sweet it would be to celebrate it after I've reached my 10lb goal.

Needless to say I was feeling pretty good about myself all day Friday when the rest of the company was hungover and I was chipper and ready for the scale on Saturday. Then something happened between Friday and Saturday. First I got sick with some bug, the scratchy throat became a stuffy, sneezy, sniffly head cold, it snowed and I must have dreamt about eating something really good because somehow between Friday and Saturday I gained 1.8 pounds.

So at weight watchers on the scale I was pissed. FUCKING PISSED! I mean if I was going to gain 1.8 pounds I might as well have indulged in the alcohol at the party no? So now I'm sick and I'm 2.2 lbs from goal and frankly I want to take that scale and bash it against the wall.

But I don't. Cause that will probably get me kicked out of weight watchers. So I sit sulking in the meeting glad the leader has lots more to talk about. Hearing about everyone's great week. Then I go home and pass out. I keep track of all my points this week cause hey I'm Weight Watcher with a vengence and I'll be damned if I get on that scale this week and gain! I'm bringing the tracker in to show my leader that the perfect week is the perfect week. OK let's be fair I may have not had all my veggies every day and then there is those stupid Oils additions that you are supposed to have don't always have those too and the milk. Well I'm pretty good about the milk. The water ... I'm pretty good with that too!

This week will be different. Cause in my rage and crazed frustration last week I forgot to check my calendar and well we all know what can happen certain times in a month. So I'm hoping the 1.8 lbs plus plus plus will be gone this week. For I'm writing everything down, I'm drinking my water and eating my veggies and I'll even have the 2 oils a day.

Let's hope next week you don't read about a crazed Weight Watcher freaking out at her meeting and throwing scales around!

Let's hope!

Staying The Same - IT SUCKS!

2007-11-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

Ok. So last week I had another stay the same week. I hate those weeks. I know, I know I should probably be grateful I didn't gain anything, but I had no reason to gain. I got through Halloween and I didn't eat the candy around the office, the lunch or big breakfast at the office and I didn't shop for Halloween candy reduced to sell at 50% off!

That is a big deal!

So I'm pissed!

Rightfully so no?

Halloween is coming! BEWARE!

2007-10-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

Ok. So already there are little tiny cute chocolate bars spread around the office. The worst will be the day after Halloween when the entire office staff thinks "hmm I'll just take all my Halloween leftovers to the office instead of keeping them at home." I'm lucky I live in a condo so there is no trick or treating which means I don't have to buy the candy and therefore I won't be tempted to eat it. Who am I kidding I used to buy the candy anyway particularly chocolate and binge on it to get rid of it as quickly as I could. Temptation is a mild problem.

But this year, when I'm doing so well, I've decided not to celebrate Halloween. No drinking at Halloween costume parties. No chocolate treat binging. So on Thursday morning when all the candy surfaces around the office I'm going to boycott! I'm not celebrating this year.

I have many reasons. The most important being that I'm not that person anymore. I've changed and I'm not going to sabotage myself. So the candy isn't going to be sitting around my desk. Out of site out of mind. Other reasons. All the holiday parties will be starting soon and I want to look and feel fabulous. I know I will feel better if I've lost as much weight as possible between now and those parties. So having Halloween candy just sets me back even if it can be included in my point total. Why set myself up for a fall. I have my share of healthy treats and I am not deprived of treats these days. I'm eating balanced and in control and that feels way better to me than a mini-coffee crisp or dairy milk bar!

Mostly the Holiday Work Party where everyone gets dressed up in cocktail dresses and evening gowns. I have a great little fun cocktail dress and it is going to look way better on me after I've hit my 10 lb mark and beyond! It is over a month a way so I could lose anywhere between 5-10lbs before then! I can't wait!

A first month recap

2007-10-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

Well so far so good. I've lost 7.2 pounds so far and am 2.8 pounds away from the 10lb marker. Things have been going very well. I've been in control of my eating, even during a few difficult challenges. It feels good to be in control.

Note to self: Things to do!
1. Watch the veggies and fruits. You need to eat more of these. Hit the 5 servings per day everyday that is your goal.
2. Drink your water. Again be consistent and drink those glasses of water every day.
3. Work out more. The ankle has been hindering this effort but a little will go a long way. So walking even a little more will be great!

Note to self: The things you did!
1. You've been tracking every day. Keep it up, this will help keep you from the mindless snacking that adds up. Each point counts and if you continue to track you will stay within your points totals even during those surprise dinners or events with friends.
2. Being positive. You know you can do this and you remind yourself everyday.
3. You lost 7.2 pounds! You're steadily getting yourself back on track and you are closer to your 10 lb mark and even closer to your 10% mark.
4. Pack you lunch and snacks at work. You've been really good at making sure you are prepared with snacks at work.
5. Make healthy choices when eating out. The points counting has helped you maximize the points by choosing healthier places to eat out!

So month one was a huge success. November will start to see more challenges as the holiday parties and dinners start to get scheduled.

Weight Loss Headache

2007-10-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

Today I'm suffering through what I like to call a weight loss headache. I had breakfast and I had coffee so I'm not sure why I still have a headache. It isn't just a headache it is like I'm hungry headache. Stomach is trembling ever so slightly. Have a taste for something but I don't know what in the back of my mouth. Then that headache mixed in with a little I could get faint if you don't feed me feel.

That is today's fight with the body. So to counter it I ate my fruit and am drinking water. Maybe I'm just having a bit of a sugar low or am just dehydrated. I'm hoping this strategy will get me to lunch but it is only 10:30AM and my body is very stubborn. Why is today any different from any other of my days so far? WHY?

Woo hoo!

2007-10-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah another week another 1.6lbs down. I'm really cooking now! That is a total of 5.8lbs! yeah! To celebrate I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill today! Week 3 is all about getting moving! So that is this week's goal MOVE MORE! 40 min on the treadmill is 3 points! So if I can keep racking up the activity points and preserve my 35 bonus points. I might just be able to get through dinner at the girlfriend's house on Friday.

That is all I have to look forward to this week. I'm not sure if I'm excited or terrified. Going to an Italian girl's house, who loves to cook, loves to pile on the food and loves to pour wine. All recipies for disaster! So I have 6 days to prepare myself for Friday. I can do this. Lots of exercise and preservation and according to this plan I should be able to get through this week without disaster!

Thinking positive! Thinking postivie! ..... slightly terrified.

Let's Give Thanks to what should I call it?

2007-10-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

Thank god we didn't have the big huge Turkey binge this weekend. Nothing like a quiet long weekend where you can sleep in, recharge and eat like a normal person. I'm so thankful for eating like a normal person this weekend. I'm also thankful that I had the energy to get back on the treadmill and start adding the exercise back into my life program.

Life program sounds crap, but what can I call it? I refuse to say diet ever again. Cause this is no longer jumping from one diet to the next. What I want is a new way of life, something I will keep with me forever and ever. I won't be size zero nor do I care to be. Just healthy and happy with myself. Balanced.

Life Balance. That is what I'll call it. Cause that is what it is. Juggling work, health, friends, my energy, and anything else life throws my way.

Work was a big challenge for me. Last year I took the plunge and changed jobs. It was something I needed to do. Overtime, crazy people, abusive people and a micro-managing whore of a boss. (and that is being very kind!) I finally rid myself of her and now I work at a normal place where people appreciate what I do, and I don't get attitude and I don't get flack. Most importantly I don't have a boss that is watching my every move, every email, every meal and who I'm eating it with. I have a peaceful job that has no overtime and no bullshit. And that is the way it is going to stay! No more suffering and putting up with shit. It isn't worth it! I'm worth way more than that. Aren't you?

Health. Another challange this year with the ankle. I've had 6 months of physio and a cortisone shot. So I've had to really bring down my exercise. Last year I was a machine. Going to the gym 5 times a week, I even had a trainer. I loved it and I can't wait to get that back into my life.

Relationships. Bad friends gone, I put myself first now. I'm still there for my friends but I have to think about my needs first. That is a hard thing for me. I'm always giving and giving. People are always taking advantage and I can't let that happen anymore. Relationships and friendships are two way streets. No more one way journeys for me.

Spirit. My energy and spirit is still on a high. The 4.2lbs was a great boost to my energy. It is making all this planning and tracking worthwhile. I'm hoping the nutritional aspect of this program is going to help me until I can get back into my fitness routine.

In the meantime I will be happy, positive, full of energy and loving myself! Thanks for my health, thanks for taking me to WW, thanks for the support! Oh and THANKS for the 4.2lbs!

It Works By golly it Works!

2007-10-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

Week one was a huge success. I counted points all week and this kept me from snacking which I discovered was a big weakness for me. I thought I was eating healthy but then I started counting points. Now I know better!

So week one I'm down 4.2lbs. Water or not i'm happy it's gone! So the second week begins.

This week I want to focus on Quality. Foods for little points but that pack a punch. I've already prepared a huge batch of all veggie soup. 0 points so I can eat as much as I want. Luckily for me I don't have any Thanksgiving day commitments. Just a relaxing long weekend. This week I also want to focus on getting back into exercise. It has been two weeks now since the cortisone shot in my ankle and I'm starting to feel stronger. So I plan to start walking again. Nothing too serious until I get the green signal from the specialist which I'm seeing on the 19th. There is still a lot of swelling and bruising so I'm not sure what he is going to say but for now. Light exercise and counting points is going to have to do it!

Yeah me! I'm on my way!

Our First Fight

2007-10-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

It didn't take long. Yesterday evening I started to feel my body revolting against my brain. That itchy hungry feeling. Today at 11:50AM it is doing it again. Lunch is coming but I'm trying to put it off just a little bit longer. The water helped for a while, but it is like my body can't wait until it is officially lunch. Like it is purposefully throwing a tantrum and I'm supposed to cave to it's response. I planned a healthy day today and I'm sticking to it.

These are the terms of our new relationship. I eat and live a healthy life, my body deals with it and starts using up the 93lbs of extra storage it has been diligently stocking. That is the deal, sure there will be comprimises along the way, but not today. This is my honeymoon and I'm going to enjoy every second of it. I'm also going to enjoy the added bonus of the extra weight off on the scale at the end of the week. Cause the first time is always the best!

The itchy hungry feeling is actually very eye opening. I'm realizing that my "healthy snacks" added up over time. I thought a cracker with some cheese was a good thing, of course I couldn't just eat one usually you would eat 3 or 4. That is a lot of points. This little tingle feeling is often helped with a cracker or a granola bar or a cookie. Those cost points. I'm not wasting points today! At home I have a great chocolate SmartOne cake and I'm eating that with my after dinner tea tonight. That is four points and it is going to be the best 4 points of my day!

There is more than enough temptation in the office. The box of cookies that arrives with the groceries every Monday. The granola bars. The pretzles or whatever other food and snacks is lying around here. My brain doesn't have the energy to count the points of each indulgence, so why bother. Skip the snack, go back to your desk, drink your water and look forward to a lovely evening with your chocolate cake!

Mmmmm!

The Honeymoon Phase - Accepting the Til Death Do You Part

2007-10-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

OK So Far So Good. I'm in what I like to call the honeymoon phase of my program. You've just signed up and you are still in love with the idea of it, that it is changing your life and that it is new and exciting. That is me right now. I'm learning about points. Taking the time to look up every point for every single thing I'm putting into my mouth. Looking at a cracker that I would've covered with laughing cow cheese and plucked into my mouth without a moment's hesitation, but now I'm hesitating. Cause that cracker on it's own is like 1.5 points then add the laughing cow wedge at 3-4 points and pow that is 6 points out of your 29 points for the day. HELL NO!

What I always wonder is how do you stay in the honeymoon phase forever? How do you continue to love without getting bored, frustrated or angry? How do you keep it fresh? How do you stay in love til death do you part?

Everyone knows one of those people, that can smile through it forever and we don't understand them. We see them on Oprah, or on the cover of People Magazine. They manage to start a program, fall in love with it, and take it with them forever. HOW? Don't they have that week, where they !*#% up so royally that it makes them doubt themselves to the core. That it makes them feel weak. That makes it sooooo hard to start counting again? Don't they have that week where they follow it, count every point, exercise like mad and go no where. Lose nothing or even worse gain something? That week where everyone tells you it must be muscle? Then you do it again for a second week, you follow everything to the last letter and pow NOTHING? Don't they have that and get frustrated and pissed off?

The question I ask today and I hope to g-d that I figure out the answer soon, is how do you commit Til Death do you Part? Because I want to be in the honeymoon phase forever. I want this one to be Mr. Right. The right program, that just fits perfectly, adapts perfectly, grows with me until I'm old and gray. I want all the special key chains that WW has to offer my many success stages. I want to reach all my goals and then maintain my weight...FOREVER AND EVER. If I can marry myself, commit to myself then I can commit to anything. EVEN A MAN. GULP.

Day One - Points and Lists

2007-09-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

So I made my way into a Weight Watchers center this morning. I walked in and received the memership option speal which was very simple. There is a registration fee, and a weekly meeting fee. If you buy a bundle of weeks the registration fee and weekly meeting fee drops. Seeing as I have a way to go to goal, I picked the 26 week plan. Once I'm all paid up, and I've filled in the form, I receive my first week of material, a temporary membership card and I'm off to the lady with the scale. I stand on the scale. She says nothing, just writes down a few things, sticks a sticker on my weekly book, stamps it, hands me the book and I'm off to the main circle.

I like this already. I really didn't want to face the scale today, and see what damage I've done this week enjoying the indulgence of being a fat pig. Today is the consequence of that indulgence and at that point I wasn't ready to face it. I then am introduced to Kelly who is the meeting leader and she welcomes me to the program. She like all the Weight Watcher employees has had success with the program and she asks me what brought me here. So I tell her the Jenny Craig nightmare, I lost 30 pounds, I got sick and vitamin deficient, they couldn't help me because they only want to help people that buy their food...yada yada yada, thought this would be a good place to continue my journey.

She's very bubbly and excited about this because I've shown I have discipline to stay on a program, and I've already got the mind set. She jumps to her little flip board and starts going through the program. I'm not going to outline this here if you want more information go to www.weightwatcher.ca and find out for yourselves. But half and hour later I decided to go with the flexpoints program instead of the core (list) program.

So I'm halfway through my day, counting points, and drinking my water. So far so good. I just went shopping and found a bunch of low cal snacks like popcorn - 1 point. Very awesome! Pre-packaged cookies/sunchips at 100 cal per bag 2 points. So I'll be able to have a few treats along the way too!

Mainly I have to remember to have 2 milk servings a day and 5 vegetable servins per day. This will be my challange. But I'm up for it a bit excited to be cooking again. I feel like I could eat everything again. As long as it fits into my points total for the day!

So 93.4 lbs to lose! That is a lot! But one week at at time I'm going to tackle that number down!

The Day Before the Beginning

2007-09-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

So in hopes of not killing two years worth of diet and exercise and ALOT of money. I've decided to embark on a new program to help keep me in balance. The old program Jenny Craig, made me sick, vitamin deficient to be exact. Eating nothing but processed foods mixed in with a few fresh fruit and vegetables hurt me over the long run. I guess you're body just get's used to it, or stops processing it. Whatever it was it was unfortunate. Because I did lose weight, and I did have total control of my life. It spilled over every aspect of my life, my work, my relationships and of course my clothes. I changed into a completely different person. That is why I don't want to lose everything I gained on this journey, that is why I'm started fresh on a new program.

This time Weight Watchers. Hopefuly I will be able to get the same "control feeling" I've had up until now. This time eating grocery bought foods. Fresh god-created food that isn't going to make me sick!

So before you embark on a new journey it is important to reflect what brought you there. (I don't know why, it is just what everyone says.) So here goes...

Why am I starting this progam?
I'm fat. Morbidly obese according to the BMI. Doctor says it too, but in a much kinder gentler way. More like "you are at a high risk of..." then she lists everything I'm at a high risk of. Too long a list to remember. I'm sad. I hate looking in the mirror and at pictures. I hate the way I look. I don't want to look like this anymore. I'm frustrated. I feel like I've done EVERYTHING. Why is it so hard? I exercise. I try and eat healthy. I try and drink water. I try so hard but it is never enough. I get frustrated then I fall. I'm lonely. How can anyone else like me if I don't like myself?

With that said ... I'm on a mission. A mission to redeem myself. A mission to prove to myself that I can continue this journey and get to the end. No unrealistic goals. No putting myself down. Starting tomorrow (after endulging in a few sinful eats) I will be the new person again. The new person I became last year that changed her job, changed her style, changed her attitude and was on top of the world.