I think I get it now! Duh!

Ok so tracker filled with green triangles good. Tracker with little to no green triangles bad. Basically if it isn't made of salad don't eat it!

I will never give up on myself. I know if I eat the veggies, fruit and protien and limit the sugars and carbs I will be healthy. If I binge on sugar and processed food I'm doomed. It fails me every time and I don't know why I do it. I just do. I think about it a lot this time. Why do we fall off the wagon? Is it like those kids who cut themselves over and over again? Why? They are not killing themselves (immediately anyway) but just hurting themselves over and over and they derive pleasure from this? Is that what eating is for me an emotional cut?

The good thing is now that I'm a serial tracker I catch it really fast. Cause it if it is 3:00PM and you've run out of daily points THAT ISN'T GOOD! To continue on this thought if it is Tuesday and you've used up your weekly points and it's 3:00pm and you've run out of daily points! Well to put it nicely YOU FUCKED UP!

But I am not alone. I'm learning from every mistake I make and I'm motivated to beat this. To be the best, healthiest biatch in town! I have rockin hair, a great rack and look out world cause I'm losing weight every day and slowly getting to be the healthiest me ever!

Mid-Week - bla bla bla.

It's Wednesday, middle of the week and I'm a little bored. Don't get me wrong there is plenty to keep my mind occupied. Work is busy, but I'm bored with it. Social life, bored with it. I'm just missing that something something. That purpose. Maybe it's time to read "A New Earth" again.

I've been applying for new jobs, hopefully something will click soon. I need a change of scenery, a better salary, and a purpose. I'm not getting that here that is clear.

I'm also trying to plan a vacay for the summer a wonderful exotic getaway, something to really look forward too!

Hmmmm maybe I'll read "A New Earth" get inspired, find a new job, make more money, save up for the big trip and have an awesome summer vacay in my fabulous new body!

I'm just thinking....

Our first fight...

Well ok it wasn't a fight more like a disagreement. 2lbs up. The week was bad I knew this it isn't anyone's fault really. I was stressed and I tried I really did, I was on top of it and what I was feeling it just got the best of me. I didn't want to but I saw it happening really, felt it all week long. By Saturday, I just couldn't beat myself up over it anymore, I decided I'll get on the scale and deal with it and then move on.

Today I decided to start the week fab again. Fab hair, fab clothes and fab feeling. Trying not to let the work get me down again. The stress here really isn't worth it. 2 and a half hours down so far and so far so good.

I had an awesome day yesterday despite my 2lb set back. I got up wrote in my tracker, stayed on track for a whole day! Woo hoo! Then I went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a closet organization system (there was a sale and a 20% off coupon so I went for it) and went through my closet putting everything in it's place. It's half done and already I feel like I'm walking into a store. I keep walking into my closet and moving hangers around in awe. I have a lot of cool clothes! Who knew? I've wanted to do this for months and months and finally got to it. Spring cleaning is actually kind of fun.

So I still have some organizing, some clothes for donating but it's a fabulous closet make over. It makes me feel like everything is new again, when it is all hanging there on the same hangers and looking like it is on display! That and the winter clothes are getting packed up slowly. That is the part I have to finish, but I don't want to jump the gun, my instinct tells me we are still going to have a final cold blast before spring officially hits us. But it is nice to see the summer clothes hanging in the front of the closet again! I can't wait!

Don't worry be happy! OR ELSE!

Fuuuuuuuuck. Stress sucks. Feeling off and not in the zone sucks. I have been having a week from hell. I hate my job and I'm letting it get to me. So this is what I'm learning this week.

The euphoric honeymoon stage rocks. Feeling good, walking around with a skip in your step. It makes the WW relationship work better. When shit happens and it brings you down BAD THINGS HAPPEN. You lose your control, your strength and you cave. Then you get down on yourself for caving and then it just goes down hill from there. The week is not over and I'm determined not to let it go down the drain because of a couple of bad days. However I had to check myself today. I was starting to spiral. I wouldn't dare sneak a scale peek this week I'll be lucky if I get through it with a zero pass this week and not a + crap moment.

So the trick is be happy? How? And without really bad drugs with very low point values! How am I supposed to take myself away from this crap place, and the crap shit that comes with it and keep smiling and skipping and be all honeymoon?

I'm glad I stopped myself from totally flaking out again. The trick for me was. I want that happy high feeling, being in control gives me that feeling. The scale going to new lows gives me that feeling. Seeing friends and having them comment about how great I look, and you're glowing and there is a fabulous energy about you gives me that feeling.

So putting aside the assholes I work with, the fact that I hate my job I'm going to focus on that feeling, the good one, the high one. I'm doing everything I can re: the job. I've applied everywhere I can think of. I've gone on interviews. I'm working from home and building a home business. I'm doing everything I can to move away from this hell hole, so it is only a matter of time before that is going to happen. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on the fabulousness that is me. Cause feeling fab is a great great feeling!

Good week ... gone bad.

Oh the honeymoon is still on, am not pissed at WW we are still in love.

Had a great start to the week another 2 pound drop. It's all going great, still tracking, still collecting activity points, me and WW are cool.

Me and work. Not so cool. Am having one of those weeks where I want to be anywhere but here. Everyone in this office is pissing me off. They've fired a lot of people so there are a lot less of us doing a lot more work. The clincher is we don't get bonuses cause we are not big guns so we are doing a lot more for a lot less. The big guns are all off skiing or boating or whatever the fuck overpaid hacks do when they go on 2 week March Break vacations. I'm here working my tushy off, and I'm really pissed about it. So why they are all celebrating their bonuses which they got last week, I'm supposed to sit here and take all the shit and "Be Happy You Have a JOB!"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Am really frustrated and just want to get the crap out of here. Am thinking I need to take a long walk at lunch hour and hope that money falls out of the sky to rescue me so I can go to some healthy spa and do pilates and yoga all day while eating healthy cuisine from some well known amazing chef.

Am I reaching?

I know it's wrong...but I peeked! Is it wrong...?

Ok so I'm having one of those on cloud nine weeks and I'm feeling pretty amazing. I'm tracking, eating my veggies, drinking my water. I had an awesome phone interview that will hopefully lead me to a stable company with which I can ride out this economic nightmare. It is just one of those feel good weeks.

So today I stepped on my home scale. It is a debate that I've heard over and over again. Should you weigh once a week or more often? Personally I like to weigh in every day. I feel like it keeps me in check. I know it fluctuates from 2-5lbs and there is no need to panic, but it also puts me in a place where I know I have to hit that scale and I want to continue to feel this high I want that number to go down. So if you are accountable will you screw up less? Will you track like a motherchucker? Will you be a better weight watcher than if you weigh in once a week? This week I avoided the twice a day weigh ins. I steered away from the scale, but I don't know today it just felt like I need to know.

For me it seems to work for the good. So once in a while I peek. Today I peeked. It was sooooooo good. So now I'm thinking will this make me cocky about the last 2 days of my week? Will this now work backwards for me? I'm hoping not because if the number on Sunday morning is anywhere around the number I saw today I'm going to be really freaking happy next week. Just saying... in case the happy, skippy blogs are making you sick.

But that is what Honeymoons are about! Happy, new, fun, exciting, sexy, alive... and today is going to be like 16 degrees Celsius. CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL THE SPRING, THE FUN, THE AMAZING LIFE!

I can...

Happy Monday! It's almost Spring, love is in the air again!

Don't you love the start of a good week. It doesn't matter that it is minus whatever, and your nipples have frozen over on your way to work. You wake up Sunday morning you get on the scale you lose 1.7 lbs and it just starts everything off right. This week I'm determined to ride the wave. To continue walking with a skip in my step and flip in my long red hair. (Which I straightened yesterday, and with the great outfit and awesome make up...but I digress.) Needless to say there is something great about losing weight, having a great hair day and just feeling alive that we need to bottle up for those bad days, or bad weeks. I wish we could hit a button and just remember this feeling or go to this happy place, cause, frankly it is freaking awesome!

I guess this is the honeymoon phase. Again. I've had many WW marriages and divorces. We are like the couple that just keeps breaking up and getting back together. It's starts off great. WW is perfect for me. We compliment eachother's lives. It fits, perfectly everything seems to be running in unison. WW gives me points values and I count them. I lose weight and we celebrate together, skipping along like two happy lovers. But like all relationships for some reason things break down. Sometimes you do everything in your power and the scale just doesn't budge. You look at WW, they are sympathetic. But you are not having it. Or those times when the points values are just too high and you're like but it's a wedding, a birthday, a life changing moment! Give it a rest. Things get rocky. WW continues on unphased and you are moving away in another direction. You grow apart. You break up.

Then in a moment of despair. You look back and you think about how great things were. Maybe you remember this day, the start of one of your good weeks. Your honeymoon days. You remember what a great person you were in that relationship. How you loved yourself and who you were becoming. You go back to WW with your head down a bit embarrassed. WW always takes you back, never judges, never scolds. They just look at you and smile, and say "Hey it's great to have you back, we missed you!"

Then just like that you are back together. Love is in the air again. Just in time for spring and cute little spring dresses and sandles. I can't wait!